The past week has been hard for me. You know my life has anyway been very hectic this year (well yeah, my whole life has been hectic as f*ck, and yes I should really clean my mouth up) and it feels like there hasn’t been anything else but battles after battles recently. You know deciding to leave from my long relationship, pushing through the rehab and surgeries, ending up with personal economical crisis, losing my home I once was so proud of.. And then the very worst thing happened; I lost my Picasso. I ended up into a very black hole, I couldn’t see anything, I felt nothing but pain. When floating in darkness and sadness and sorrow and pain, I started to think about a future a very serious way. What do I want from life? From life which is freaking fragile. From life which has for some reason kept me alive all these years, and it’s not been obvious. I thought about them moments when it was so close to lose the biggest gift we can ever have: the life. Being alive is something we really underestimate more often than appreciate it and understand its power and meaning. And possibilities. 

It still hurts. It will forever. Why? Because I am a person who cares and loves very deeply, very intensive way. I am a care taker, I have no idea what it is to be taken care of. I started to think about that as well. What do I want? It was a crystal bright idea on my mind, the answer: I want to stand on my own feet. I have always been a very independent person and that has been my power in life. With strong empathy and love. I thought about that, too. I am independent, but yes, I am a human as well and have a need of proximity. But to me the person, the actual company and personality of other half really matters. I am not needy. I’d rather be alone than with someone I don’t feel a connection with. And no, it doesn’t work if the connection is one-sided. To me it’s not natural to get interested in people, not even talking about crushing on someone. But yes, I think I really would like that. So yes, I think this could be another thing I want from my future. Sharing my future with someone special.

So, what else? So many keep asking if I am having another dog anytime soon? No. I am not like that. Dogs are family members to me, never replaceable. And after all I am very responsible person. It would have been different to start a process when I still had Picasso, but now when he is gone, I can’t. I have to push through this on my own and build the base of my future up right now.