I never was a patient person. I always wanted to get everything done right away, ‘sooner than later’ seemed to be my motto, and I never let anything or anyone wait. I always was so busy, too. Now I do feel it had something to do with an idea that ‘you can’t hold the time’. And that is true, the clock keeps ticking and the time keeps running, with or without you. And I didn’t want to miss even a second of it, I wanted to ride on the time. And I did, oh, how I did.

Now when looking back, afterwards, I do feel it had something do with a feeling that I am lazy if I don’t keep performing all the time. It had nothing to do with the time actually. I thought I had an obsession with. No, it was a very unhealthy obsession with a self-control. And that makes a big difference between having a control of a time and time having a control of you. I handled time well, but same time the time was mastering me. If I didn’t feel having a control for 100%, I felt very uncomfortable. And now I can understand the actual feeling behind the uncomfortableness, it was a fear. I was afraid of losing a control of myself if I lost control of time.

Very lately I realized something very important about myself: a big, positive change happened in my life during this difficult life situation I am living in. Even if this has been difficult, painful and hard, this time has taught me something very important about a time, especially about controlling the time, and something about patience, too.

I needed to learn to how live literally day by day to stay sane. I was a person who used to plan everything so well, I was following timetables and plans and I saw everything perfectly planned in my future. I had a back-up plan for everything, always. But there was something I never realized, I am now saying it aloud, admitting it: I took health for granted.

I learned a hard way. And I keep sharing my story and experiences with people forever by wishing it would save even one person from suffer. I know everything about it and I wish the same for absolutely no one.

My battle is not over, but I am positive things will getter by time. I am still smart enough to understand it’s not just the time, but the possibilities I give for the time. Time is not mastering me any longer, as my life situation and health situation after all forced me to slow down and face it. Facing the time: what it is and the power it actually has in a real life. We can’t stop it, we can’t control it. All we can do is, we can control ourselves. This time has taught me about self-control the way I can these days understand the healthy side of it and the unhealthy side of it. Giving some time enough for your system is sometime the only right thing to do. It will add some suffer by adding some stress for sure, but when looking at the bigger picture of everything, you can see, the other side (fighting against the wind) would add the stress ass well. There are things you can’t change, there are things you can’t get rid of. But when you slow down and understand the possibilities still left, find some peace for giving some time for yourself no matter how difficult, painful and stressful it is, you feel reach something very precious, which for sure will help you a lot in future: some patience.