I can clearly remember the time I had anyone else but my little Bean beside me, no one else in my life. He made my whole world. For many people it’s impossible to understand how it’s even possible human can be that alone and really having no one. And I always say, you are the lucky one if you don’t, because it means you have never been that much alone yourself. Which is a huge blessing. You should be very grateful for that.

I every night cried because I felt so lonely. I couldn’t understand the anger of world around, I couldn’t understand the selfishness and superficiality of human. And most of all, I couldn’t understand ingratitude of people, who had pretty much everything and still kept up whining and greediness. More people and world I experienced, harder I stared to fight against all the negativity in the world, with only one target: better world for all of us. I kept my eyes and mind open, and understood and will never forget; no matter how bad it is, there’s always someone going through even more hard times and having even less than I do. Always.

This year has been many ways so hard, and this summer has been such a nightmare. And here I am, still breathing the air with my own lungs and watching the world with my own eyes. I am alive, I am a lucky one.

During hard times I have stopped to look around many many times to see all the beauty in the world. It’s everywhere. Too ofter we are just too busy, too sad or indifferent to see it. It’s in the air we breathe, it’s growing in the grass we are walking on, it’s in the ocean, it’s in every hugs and kisses we share and receive, it’s in the sky despite the thunder or sunny day. It’s in communication, what a miracle it is we can actually talk and share our feelings and thoughts. What a miraculous creature humanbeing is. But after all, it’s all in the mind and I feel most grateful I still have the skill left to see and feel it, no matter how low and dark I am walking in.

I never asked better life, not more people in my life despite how sad I was. I never wished to be popular, I never wished to be loved. But I knew, I always felt it in deep in my heart, that one day my love matters. And it kept me going, no matter what, it kept me going at times even with no sense anymore.

My love matters. During difficult times and while grieving it gives me lots of comfort to see and realize how much love, help and comfort I have shared by my own action. It heals my heart to understand the fact I have not been useless for the world. I have kept going. Despite all the pain, physical or mental, despite my poorest years, despite stress or illness, despite all losses and loneliness, I have never kept whining but fighting back. I have risen and risen again and by that I have spread even more goodness around. It motivates me finding my strength again, it pushes me to keep focus on all the beauty in the world despite all the horror we still have among us. It helps me to keep my faith up for future. There’s so much to do in the world, there are so many kids having no one taking care of them, there are too many people having no home, no food, nothing.. there is violence and terror everywhere, there is so much to do with environment and climate. There are so many laws to change, and so many people to change. And I still have so much to give.

I never asked or chased love, friends and family, but now, for somehow, I am having it all. Every morning when I wake up I thank for everything I have. And every night when I go to bed, I thank for one more day I was able to experience. Because the life is not just receiving and losing, it’s also about living. And every time when we loose, we should even more hard understand we really never know when it’s the time of our own to pass away. It can be tonight, it can be tomorrow, there are no guarantees in life.

As I said, this year has been hard and the summer was such a nightmare. And even though I am grateful for my skills to keep focus on beauty of the world, kindness and positivity at hard, dark times, I still need to say wouldn’t have survived this year and especially summer without my close ones.

During the years I have learned what does it mean when they say: “blood makes you related, but loyalty makes you family”. I am everyday wondering what have actually happened, how did I become that loved?

I am a lucky one. I am not lonely anymore, and even if I will carry some pain in my heart and system the rest of my life, I’ll be okay. I am today having bigger family than people usually do. We may have the distance, but it means nothing when the force of love is so powerful. It makes me survive from anything. It makes me feel like a wonderwoman.

“Let the trusted people in, harmful ones you really don’t need my dear. Let the real love heal you up, and keep yourself motivating yourself. And by that, let your awesome self motivate others” ❤️