It’s 12th day without BenBen. It feels like few days only, because I have been hanging on him in my mind without letting go. I can’t remember what have I done these days during almost two weeks, I have been like a zombie all days and nights. I have slept, but not actually rested. Has it got better, the pain? No. How about the grief? No. But the pain has changed. It has changed from stabbing pain for stabile suffer, which has paralyzed me all the ways. At times I wake up even without sleeping, I lose myself for somewhere with all senses blocked. It feels like I have no circulatory, I feel pale and cold and all the ways empty. I can’t feel anything else but pain, the pain that first six days felt burning me alive and now freezing me out. It makes me feel I can’t move. My legs are like heavy logs.

I have had some problems with breathing last two weeks. I have asthma but it’s something else. I can feel my lungs work but suddenly I just can’t breath, it feels like a have a block in my trachea. If I don’t go lay down, lift my legs up and keep focus on breathing, it makes me faint. So I haven’t leave from home anywhere else but to gym. It has helped mentally and also made me feel better physically. And there I don’t have to stress about breathing, I can go lay down if I need to. Not at market I can do the same, which made me panic, which in turn adds my stress. And the stress makes me avoid public places and all social situations.

Today I finally got myself outside to feel the fresh air and sun. The smell of nature had changed, and I realized the summer was over and fall arrived. The autumn breeze touched my skin and made me understand I haven’t noticed the change happening in environment last weeks, I haven’t focused anything but just kept going without any understanding. More I looked around moreI realized I haven’t been there, I haven’t really lived but just kept my corpse breathing. And after all I understood that I haven’t accept BenBen is gone. I know he is, but I haven’t let myself to admit the fact he is not coming back. I have kept waiting, hoping one morning I’ll wake up and he’s with me again. Now I woke up to see the summer has became fall and BenBen is still gone.

At first I was going to apologize for such a depressing post. Then I decided to not do that. This is me and I am not going to hide I am still going through hard times. I am not going to tell you everything is fine and showing you the fake smile, who would it inspire? I am showing you my wounds and telling you I have been such a big mess just like loving humanbeing is after losing the loved one. I am telling you I have been living in darkness last two weeks, fighting every morning to get up and with every meal with no appetite. I am admitting my mental weakness, my struggle with grief and by that my personal imbalance. I am aware of it, and that’s the first step: I am getting better. I am healing up. But I have lots of handling before that. But the handling has started.

Picasso has been the thing that has made me get up from bed every morning and go to bed every night. Without him I would have lost myself for good already. I feel so blessed and grateful to have him. He misses his brother so much, too, and shows me all the time how much he needs me. It makes me fight back, kept going and reaching the light again.

And my friends who has helped me to handle my grief and loss, and took care of me without asking. Cheering me up, healing me with love, doing everything and more for making me feel better. What have I done to deserve this love? I am just asking. And sending a warm thank you for everyone. Huge thank you for everyone on my blog and social media sending love, prayers and positive vibes. Gigantic thank you for everyone on my boys Facebook page sharing your endless love, I’ll never stop saying thank you for loving my babies so much.

Special thank you for mama Laurie, despite the distance you make me feel there’s no miles between us. Thank you for making me smile and even laugh at this difficult time. Thank you for being your wonderful self, most lovable and loving person I can name. Marlene, thank you for always being there for me, sharing understanding and your endless wisdom. Thank you auntie Kathy, Jamie, Maria, Scott, Caroline, Linda, Edina and my soul twin, sis Sandy. You make my life to be so much better, I love you all so very much.

Picasso is going to major surgery later this week, so let’s keep focus on positivity now. His surgeon called me today for giving more information about TEBACO. She is not worried about facial paralysis as a complication but more about hemorrhage. Picasso is tinies dog she has ever operated. The surgery starts at 8am and we need to stay in Helsinki night over, so we are now getting ready for that. Picasso’s prognosis is good after all which makes me feel even a bit comfortable.

The surgery will be on the same day my beloved Oliver Bean passed away. We are taking this as a good sign, the same way as Picasso got rescued on CJ’s birthday. Little Picasso has many guardian angels up there, and all my puppy angles know I need Picasso most now, so I know they will be around there ❤️ We would appreciate all prayers now. xx