Last night I very first time in my life really realized something that made a big difference. It’s actually very insane as this thing has been in my life for over 11 years already, so this also shows how slow process the growing is for our brains and mind. The thing I realized is kinda most amazing thing what comes to the aging if you ask from me. Is there something amazing in aging? Damn yeah babe!

Now let me ask you something. Let’s go back to your childhood. Try to remember those moments when you were asked to not do something like not eating candy on weekdays but wait till weekend, asked to clean up your room when you didn’t want to, and go to your room when you behaved poorly. How did you feel like? Did you ever think “then when I am an adult I will” or “I can’t wait being an adult”?

Most of my childhood I spent by wishing I would grow up faster to be an adult. But even when I after all did, I never realized that I had got so trapped with the endless mantra of what I was not allowed to do and what I was supposed to do (which in my case was being never-ending over performer) that I never felt loving myself.

On Sunday night I fell very ill so this week has been very exhausting for me. I wasn’t been able to do my rehabilitation on Monday and on Tuesday which have for so long time given me some activity to do for everyday to make myself to feel busy. Before rehab it was always the work as all my friends can so darn well remember: I never had time to anyone else, but my work which I now understand was just one way for myself to control myself to not feeling being useless. Which was not allowed when I was a kid. So obviously, all my life I have had to be effective all the time to not feel disappointed on myself or others. I have never been a person laying on sofa, watching TV and feeling comfy while doing that, if not doing something useful while doing that; like working. I always told the work was my way to relax. But now I understand it was my way to control my feelings. And the feeling not actually realizing I didn’t love myself. And why I didn’t love myself? Because no one ever loved me. Admitting it is not still easy but here I am.

And there are many other things, too, like sports, overthinking and analyzing, studying, writing.. I suddenly realized they have never been ways to relax for myself as I kept telling myself. To be honest I have no freaking idea how to relax even. So you can imagine my feeling when I finally last night understood the reason for this all; for my own acting and performing which have caused so much hidden suffer all my life. All my childhood I wanted to grow up so I could be an adult and decide about my own life. I did grow but after being under so much pressure and being treated so poorly for so long time, I had gotten so blind to understand that it was really over. It never ended in my head because my brains and mind were gotten too much used to it. I was so much in stuck without even understanding it anymore.

Not for a very long toxic relationship helped it at all but sucked me even more deep into my need to control my feelings by over performing. It fed the same nasty circle as in my childhood which was pleasing others and doing everything for their well-being by forgetting myself, as they never made me feel I was worth equality. So I kept pushing harder and harder and harder until I couldn’t push anymore. I feel very blessed to have smart and empathetic doctors who saw things I didn’t see myself as I was too close to them, and been living in it for way too long to understand what was the normal anymore. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be the disappointment to anyone, least to myself.

Now finally the relationship has been buried and I have felt so much better on my own even if handling everything suddenly all alone has been terrible stressful and drove my situation many ways lower and worse. Breaking up is never easy no matter what.

But now about the growing which I in this case would also call as healing, too: last night I finally realized I am an adult. It’s me telling myself when to clean up and if I am terrible exhausted as I have been in this week, there is nothing making sense to push my body to do something, but actually what makes me feel comfort. My system has been overloaded all my life with no break and I am finally facing it.

I have been an adult legally for over 11 years and for way longer time I have kept daily dreaming about that. So how ironic it is that not until now I actually understand that precious fact? It feels like them heavy handcuffs are finally removed from my hands. I am now telling myself: “you are an adult now, you are in the lead. You are the one telling when go to bed, not them old orders someone else have set for you to follow. You are the one who knows when it feels good to go for a walk or gym, not the old timetable that has been set for you to follow. You are the one who is now able to tell when you are hungry, not when someone else decides about it”.

Damn, I am the boss now. It’s me who creates them rules now. And it feels amazing. I am an adult and it’s freaking cool!!!

Understanding this set me free from the need to control my feelings so aggressive way. And I wish when I write about this now, I could help others in same situation by waking them up to listen to themselves, their unhappiness and probably an ability to love theirselves. I have started my journey of learning how to love myself now. It’s a different thing than liking yourself or thinking positively about yourself. Love is the strongest and most precious thing on earth and we all do deserve it.