I am an active person, I love to go for a walk everyday, go to gym, breath the world, travel, run, dance, swim.. I just love the movement. I am never quiet, I love to talk, I am a speaker. I love to laugh, the humor has always been one of my best features. I love music, great musicals and oh, theatre, too. I love lifting weights as I have always enjoyed of feeling strong, challenging myself, getting better and better by practice. I have always been a food lover, and despite it in my past became my biggest enemy, I after all found a balance.

Tell me how does it feel when all those have been taken away from you? It’s actually realistic to think about it as the life can totally change in a super tiny moment. So I am asking for one little moment to think about it. What would be left then?

Let me tell you.

It’s hard. It’s hard when you are not able to walk the same way as before, when your muscles are too weak to hold you up normally and you have no feeling on your foot and toes. It’s hard when you are not able to speak the same way as before, when even your laugh sounds odd because your hearing has changed and mouth feels stiff, your speak is loud because you can’t hear yourself so well. It’s hard when your other hand is not working normally, when it’s numb and holding anything heavier than pen is suddenly impossible. When your fingers are like wooden blocks, the same way as your toes on right foot. It’s hard when you need to hold headphones or earmuffs on to cover your ears when it’s noisy, as your head can’t handle mixed voices anymore at all. And by mixed voices I mean voices of life: the wind, birds, ocean, traffic, people talking.. It’s painful, too, as you’re having endless headache and you are having bruises all over, and getting them more and more all the time. And I have lost my appetite as I am feeling so sick and can’t taste or smell for some reason. And yes, it was painful at hospital, too. Spinal tap, tons of blood work, three MRIs and many broken veins was too much at once.

But do you know what’s still the most hard and painful thing? People around. I can handle this all and keep myself motivated as I can control myself. But I can’t control other people. I have always been the one motivating others, and now when I am very patiently doing the same for myself, I hear people saying:

“You used to be”. No. I still am. I am just having a little break.

“Let’s get back to it when you’re normal again”. Well, we are not going to it, then. This have shown me who are the real friends and who are not. If you are not able to stand by my side when I am having a hard times, I do not need you to stand by my side at all. The life is not just happiness, roses and rainbows over everyday. I am okay with myself and I am going to find my roses and rainbows again. With my real friends. That time comes, and by that it’s now time to talk about the real thing: my life is not over.

My brain still works; I can talk even if it’s not perfect, I can write and make great decision. The half of my body is still working normally: I can walk even if my steps are short and I am enjoying of the nature with all my mind as my senses are weak to work with at the moment. I keep doing, I keep soaking the inspiration from environment and from all the beauty in the world.

I can knit. I am still creative. Actually, I think I am even more creative than I have ever been before. I can cook. I can watch tv as I still have my sight, just voice need to be down and lights on, because I can’t handle too bright lights or those noises I mentioned. I can paint. I haven’t lost my skills. I am able to drink and eat by myself which means a lot to me, even if it’s not as big pleasure as it used to be. I am working on it, too.

I have so much to be grateful for. I can’t lift weights, but it doesn’t mean should not do anything: I keep practicing, I keep strengthening my muscles and ask to get outside as often as possible. I keep working on my speak, I keep training my foot and toes. And most of all, I am not letting anyone to destroy my motivation. I keep my fingers moving everyday by knitting, ah, how blessed I am to have knitting as one of my favorite thing to do! I pamper myself with food for keeping eating up, and as always food pampering makes me miss my little babbie BenBen who was the biggest food lover I can name. Picasso has made sure I’ll stay happy and entertained 24/7. What ever I do, where ever I go, he follows with his big eye and tongue out!

And, if I need to find something very positive from this, all telemarketers have finally left me alone. I used to asked them to not call me again, but they kept talking, talking and talking.. Now I have let them do that, and used them as my speech practice partners.

Three different MRIs, spinal tap and tons of blood work later, we are still waiting for rest of results. Come what may, I am not going to lose the desire for life. I have more to lose than win by fading away.

Look around, fall has arrived. Enjoy its colors and smells, and be grateful for the senses you have been blessed with. Never give up with yourself, and you always win. Much love xoxo