A pretty strong name for the post, but I actually had no other way in my mind to name this as this is not going to be very happy post. Tho, are my posts, my deep pondering, ever really very happy? No, they are not, but important they are, though. This name actually came from the joke someone sent me last night: why do Swedish people love their country so much? Cause they have a Stockholm syndrome. Well, not a very good joke to someone like me, but it was good for me the way it made me think about how does Stockholm as a city makes me feel like.

I haven’t sleep for a very long time. I have known that but I haven’t really felt that in my system. I have been totally paralyzed for a long time. People keep asking how am I doing. I can answer ‘I am fine’ or ‘I am not well’ and the reaction is always same: ‘You are such a strong person, you’ll always go through everything’. Am I? Why I don’t feel so then? Well, I do know why I don’t feel so – because I am very burned out and tired. Yes, it’s hard to see that through the smile in pictures. I learned a hard way how to smile when we don’t feel so, I learned to swallow ours tears and hid the pain; emotional and physical. And it disgusts me when someone says that’s I am beautiful on those moments. It’s horrible and no one should never have to do that. And I want out, too. I want out.

In beginning of a fall I met someone who started to talk about my blog and told me that he definitely understands my needs to keep up a blog and social media. I said “haa, you really do?” as it was a bit confusing as not many really sees into that deep in me. So definitely I was curious, very curious. But I was wrong, and so was him. ‘It’s your diary’ he said. I felt being so misunderstood, as most of the time, so I just kept listening till the end and said it’s no, that if it was, it would not be very inspiring but very depressing and sad. And I don’t want to spread that kind of darkness around, but the positive side which lifts myself up – and as I believe its power to lifts others up as well. And as a honest person, I keep sharing these thoughts openly too, as I said, this is important post, I have realized lots new things about myself lately.

Last night I had a very odd dream of this person talking to me. He was just there staring at me and hanging around, just as we used to did for a very little time. As I said, strange. Now I am realizing how tired I am and for how long I have carried this tiredness in and on me. For a very long. For 27 years the neurologist and psychiatrist says. Is that a long time? Well, I think it’s enough.

Past two nights I have slept. Finally. Without meds, just a natural sleep and it feels odd. I am trying to understand it. I have never slept naturally, now first time I do. Even though I haven’t started my sorrow process what comes to Picasso. Even typing his name up right now is wounding me all over so I can’t.

Is this because of Stockholm? Because of different environment? Is it because of the company? What it is about? It makes me think about everything a lot. And it feels something 🖤