Do you know the feeling when you just can’t breathe, everything goes black in your eyes and puffff, you just black out, faint and can’t to anything to avoid it. Been happening to me so many times during past months that I can’t even tell how many times I have fainted lately, actually. But today I had exactly the same feeling triggered by something good instead. My whole body was shivering, something giggled inside of me like happiest little thing in entire world. I finally got some good news: the biopsy was free from cancer.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell and tell everyone I finally got some good news. Me. Me! Finally something good to hear for me! Even though I am still having issues with my liver, the protein has finally started soak again and I am not having such a thing like a cancer in my system. The relief was so major. Even if the upper stomach is still hurting like crazy and even if my skin is yellow and I feel miserable the most of the time, there was no more bad news to receive. I am feeling so good for that, that it makes me feel like I want to set a party up for that and celebrate. Unfortunately the pandemic makes it to be impossible so let me just do my wohooooo-dance here a little bit. Thanks, LOL.

It’s been a process called a liquid protein pumping to cure hypoalbuminemia, which has not been nice or easy, but I have kept making it through and I am finally gaining weight again after losing it a lot while just laying on bed for months. I was not able to do anything. I haven’t exercise since last fall, last time I went for a regular even a tiny day walk was in December 2020. For that long I just laid on bed and did my rehab at hospital, which after all needed to get stopped as well, as my physique went too weak and fragile. Days and nights spent in hospital took all my energy away, even made me feel depressed, scared and having more pain. Today I am really believing the connection between physical and mental pain as well. The hospital bed added my back pain a lot, also that I was not able to move, but also the mental pain, stress and worry I was having, I feel, made the physical pain just worse. That’s how do I feel about it. The same way now when I am feeling so thrilled for such a good, relieving news, I feel I have more power to carry and handle my physical pain. It makes sense to me after all I have went through.

Not anyone who has not went through the same journey can ever understand what it is actually and how relieving it is to hear you do not need a new colonoscopy or endoscopy for awhile, that you don’t need a major bloodwork and infusions to get done every week anymore and that you are allowed to start a physical therapy and keep rehabilitation plan up again. To me it’s incredible. Also, seeing them results on my own system, not only on a paper, but in mirror as an actual muscle grow, gives me so much joy. It tells me my system is reacting a correct way for treatment, even somehow. Now I just keep praying they will get my liver fixed and that the hypoalbuminemia won’t start giving me some more issues, just like making the liver worst as it looks like. It is devastating to do everything while having nothing left to do on your own anymore and just seeing how your body keeps disappearing no matter how much you eat; when all proteins leak out and the muscle you have kept building up for years keep fading away. It is scary and it is very hard to handle. And there is nothing fun to be that thin, having no muscle to seat on anymore, my tailbone got wounded by laying in hospital and infected by that. The pain comes terrible when you have no muscles to coves your bones anymore. It’s awful.

I wish the treatments will heal me up by time and I keep healing up by that as well. I have some time and I am going to give it to my body and system as long as it needs it, because I am very aware of how darn fragile the life is and how precious gift I have been given by when I was born in this world. And I wish you would remember it daily, too. Because that is how it really is. The life, your life, is all you actually own in this world.