My blog is not my diary, neither are my social media channels, they are all just the ways to influence. I mean, when you see there some smile, it doesn’t mean I am not carrying some suffer, something I call as agony myself. It has been shaped by all what I have went through. It has been shaped from a sadness to become a sorrow, from the sorrow to be a suffer, and from the suffer to the mother agony. The status is permanent. It has been there over twenty five years, being stable, with no ups or downs, just stable. Staying there like a wound that keeps bleeding. What a bastard.

A year ago one beautiful morning got crushed me up a hard way. Everything I all my life had built in my system to protect myself from emotional adversities, from backlashes, got burned the way I will never be same person again. When you love someone so much, that you just can’t breath without them, the loss gonna feel worse than any physical pain you can ever even imagine. It’s like an endless stabbing in your chest, it’s like someone burning you alive, it’s like someone strangling you the way you really just can’t breathe. I have loved a lot and I have lost too much, but only once before I have lost someone that has made me suffer this way. It doesn’t make it easier, but worst. That’s what has been shaped a sadness to be agony together with my loss now. With en experience I am saying; “from this kind of loss my kind of human being will never heal”. Please, be okay with that, as I have to be anyway. Please stop telling me it’s gonna be okay, that I just need some time. You have no idea.

When I so hard tried to cope, during same time going through the health issues and laying in hospital most of the time, I after all just got locked myself up. Just nothing came out anymore, it all just stayed in and people around kept demanding more and more and more, same time bringing me down because of my changed speech and physique. That was the point I woke up for the empathy with other’s eyes. Where it is today? Have people forgotten what it actually means? How much is enough and when we stop being so darn selfish and superficial? I was done, I was done physically and I was done mentally. But for some reason, I was not allowed to.

It doesn’t help people tell me how should I deal with my sorrow, no one, just no one can understand why this loss was bigger than others, and why I just can’t face it and start handling it. It is also so easy for some people to forget, I am not the one, but I am all good with those who are. When I am smiling they say, “you look so much better”, some of them even think all the health issues are wiped away by the smile. Naive. But when they hear my speech their face give a microexpression of disappointment. Superficial. My brain might have some functional issues, but goddamnit I am not stupid.

My blog is not my diary, neither are my social media channels, they all are just the ways to influence. But now I feel I have to share this shadowy part of myself. I am just saying, the life behind the smile is not just happiness and careless wellbeing. But I am still telling you, that the one who has a power to keep the smile on their face, still, despite everything, has an incredible desire to be alive as they are grateful.