Do you often think about “if”? What if you would have done something, what if you wouldn’t have done something, what if, if, if?

I do not anymore. I used to do, for biggest part of my life I was that kind of “if-person”. I blamed myself a lot when I was a kid, I felt guilty for all the decision I made but not everyone was happy for. They were very simple things like choosing a candy bag in market, so easily I was given to understand I had chosen wrong way. And every time it broke my heart, because all I wanted was to be perfect.

The life can be just odd at times. And so can be humans. Yesterday I was asked “what would you regret if you died tomorrow?”. For awhile I was quiet, as you know I always think before I speak. And I said the same thing I I just told you about my childhood. I said: “I have lived my life by regretting things I should not even have to. So obviously I have also regret things for a reason. I am human, so I have done mistakes. Being human still never justify making them. We have all rights and responsibility to apologize and work hard for forgiveness. I know this path as well.

The life has taught me well. I know what it is to carry the cross the rest of your life. I have still learned, and this has happened by regret only, what the forgiveness is. It is something you don’t only receive from someone, but something, you give for yourself, too. That’s has been the hardest part in my life. But I have reached it.”

I am going trough a lot at the moment. I had MRI today and on Sunday I am having another one. I am not stressed, just confused. I need to trust for life. Earlier today I found myself thinking about “if”. And I was smiling when I couldn’t say it. It felt very good to know I have done everything right. Today I am living from my values and my virtues, there’s no space for revenge, lies or any other negativity.

So I continued: “The only thing I would feel sadness for, was that I needed to leave this world and people I love behind as I still have so much to do and give. But no, there’s nothing I would regret as I have already done my mistakes and learned what it is. I have learned a hard way I want to be a good person only, share my love and share my care, and there’s nothing to regret of.”