I can handle my own, personal disappointments, and I am very good helper when someone else have such a nasty time in personal life or at work. I am that one who helps you to kick back, and finding your own strengths to boosts your mind and yourself back on track! Also, when human is healing from surgery or disease I am always there cheering up and showing the positive sides of everything. But when it’s about animals it’s very different and I can’t handle it the same way: they can’t talk to me, and usually animals just don’t show if something is wrong. We can read their signals, but not always there are some. I have seen it’s more hard with rescued animals, they are so very strong and for example my BenBen just receives the pain without any signs. He has learned to show it to me, but when we are at vet he gets muted again. No matter vet takes some blood or give him painful injections, touches his painful spine or legs, he is silent. When it hurts he only looks at me the way that makes me cry, and I don’t know should I show him my tears or tell him ‘such a good boy’! I don’t want to encourage him to feel or handle the pain, he has felt it more than enough! I just want to take the pain away, and when I can’t, I feel deficient.

This is what I am on now, my BenBen is most sick ever and vet says it looks very bad. I remember this with my CJ, I was very hopeful for all three years, and I didn’t let myself give up even if vet says there was nothing to do anymore. And after all hope and fighting my little baby passed away.

I can handle my own personal pain very well – the mental and physical. After you have had lots of some you may learn to heal and ease it, or just live with it. It’s may because not everyone ever will. And with very heavy heart I think about all of them who have ended their own life, it’s always so sad. And always when I think about that I feel pain while remembering my own moments.

Bentley has taught me something very important: dogs can’t end their own life, but human can torture them as long as they pass away. When I rescued Bentley, when I met him first time I somehow felt his pain in me. He was scared of human, nothing else but human he scared and still does so much he stops to breath when he meet a stranger. I was just a human to him when I rescued him. And this was a moment I was very ashamed of human species: how can we be so rude! How it’s even possible some of us can do horrible things for animals, for each other, for anyone? The world is not cause of problems – the human is. And I am not going to be, I am going to make a difference.

When I was a kid I cried for kids in Africa, when I got older I cried for people in wars. My soul is still crying for all cruelty but today I keep focus on doing instead  crying. I am sad, and it will never end. It will never end because of human. And because I am a human as well, I feel I am responsible as much as them evil makers. I am responsible regardless of skin color or nationality. I am a human and I have a responsibility to help because I can. I can because I am human, all I have to do is want to.

I never forget the first sight between BenBen and I: for some reason there was hope in his eyes, no  matter he was scared. Very quickly I was a child again; I saw myself years ago, in him. I am not sure if it’s possible but I’ve been thinking did he see himself in me as well? The way he accepted me to be his mother is precious. I gave him all I was looking for myself for all my childhood, but never found. I slowly went to hug him, and I felt his acceptable snuggle against my cheek. And very first time in my life I felt like ‘I was home’. I saved him but same time he saved me.

I never asked him to love me, not even trust me. I felt I had no rights to do that, ever. All I asked, better way to say I begged he would let me to love him for healing him. I wanted to heal him but same time I asked him to face his most horrible fear: a human. This shows how brave and strong dog is, versus dog human species is very weak.

This is what I have watched from eye to eye last four days. When human is in pain he whines, what dogs do? Well, we all dog parents know that. My BenBen has been very brave and strong, I have done my best for staying positive even if I had a horrible mental breakdown when vet let me know if all medicines and treatments won’t take the pain away, I need to let him go. I don’t want him to suffer but no, NO! Dear God, I am begging you to save my baby.

BenBen has felt better today and I am hopeful, but truly happiness reaches me when the pain stays away after he has stopped to take strongest medicines. After full recovery he will be on permanent medication the rest of his life: inflammatory drugs and nerve painkillers.

Thank you everyone for praying and all healing thought and positive vibes you have sent. It means so much to both of us. We love you ♥