If you read my previous post “FINDING BRAVERY”, you know I was looking for some bravery to show myself on social media again, after my speech went bad by illness. And if you follow me on Instagram you know I have done it now. It took for awhile to open my Stories and speak. Especially, because when I made the first clip, I got so upset as I first time heard my own voice and it sounded totally different from video than what it sounds in my own head while speaking. I first time realized how messy it was. It was not funny moment at all, it was moment filled with frustrating and tears, fear even: what has happened to me? Now I understood why people got so frustrated while trying to understand me, and I felt so bad. That was horrible moment but also very important one as it also helped me to understand the problem areas of my speech myself.

I had already been over four weeks out of my Stories, so I knew I have to find my bravery to open it again, soon, if I am going to do it ever again. But it felt so darn scary, because of all negativity I had already experienced from people in real life, so what it would be from social media then? Opening Stories felt like an extermination. And same time I knew I have no more, but two options: to be brave and honest and give some possible motivation for people battling with similar issues, and to be loser. It made me think about life seriously.

Then, suddenly my dear Mimi from Alabama shared her thought with me again. We are many ways so similar, despite huge age difference we think alike, and live alike. We have similar values, the desire for life, very emphatic heart and mind and also special skills to understand and help others. And by the way, if you saw her you would never believe her age! She is like O-M-G! Anyway, she now boosted my own thoughts. And that’s the most best thing your close one actually can do for you. We chatted a bit, and in that night I fell asleep so quickly by having a happy smile on my face.

Sharing understanding has an incredible power, as next day I reached it – my bravery.

My photographer has kept asking if we should make something, just for keeping it up now when I was having so much fears. I knew it was not good for me, having those fears, I mean. I was thinking of Mimi’s words, her words reminding me of what I have already reached and what I, who knows, will do in future. Reminding me I CAN, and I WILL, I just need to want it and work for it just like always before. And believe those loving persons in my life stay.

I was thinking of her words about 5 closest person, and thinking about my own answer. And it made me to understand there are some people believing in me, there are some people waiting for me, and people staying by my side no matter what. Those others, I don’t need them. The life is not happiness only, luckily the same way it’s not only sadness either. We just need to keep heart and mind open, and focus on them and things who and that add our happiness. And for keeping it work, don’t forget to spread it around yourself.

I have been unsure to look at camera lately, as my other eye is frozen and squint more bad at times. The same way as with opening my Stories, I knew I need to keep doing modeling as well, if I am not going to quit for good. Where I found my bravery from, was my Picasso. I looked at him, his face with one eye and ear missing, tongue out, sharing nothing but love and encouragement. And I just cried. After all suffer this little kid has risen like a phoenix bird. Once again it made me think about it how much we humans really should learn from dogs.

Mimi was the first person I told I am not going to stop modeling. And she was thrilled for me. Gosh, she has been such a great motivation for me. As I have written before, it has been hard to have people around for not really supporting, but spreading their own panic and fears for if I won’t get back to normal. Well, as Mimi said, I won’t be my old self ever again, I will be better version of it. It feels so darn good to have someone having my back and telling me what ever I will decide, they supports it. And knowing, they will be there and feeling not ashamed of my speech or limping leg, knowing I am loved the way I am.

This all has also made me think about it how darn lucky I am. The woman who once lost everything, is now having more than she ever in her wildest dreams even imagined. Love, hope and faith. It’s all about those three magical things ❤️