He passed away. Yes. But I still can’t face it. I have always faced everything, from eye to eye. Always. But now I can’t. Why? Let me tell you. When I even think of the fact that he is not here any longer, it feels like a stab in my lungs. I suddenly can’t breathe. And when this happens, I very automatically block it from my mind with whatever I have to cover it with. When I see her empty bed, I keep telling myself he is there, still there, just hiding and sleeping. When I go to bed, without him, I keep talking to him just as I always did, to tell my mind he is still here. I keep reading him a bedtime story, I keep singing to him. Even though, in deed in my mind I know he is no longer here. He is gone. And I am here without him.

People keep telling me what should I do. But they can’t understand. They can’t understand my loss, of course, it’s normal, as we are all individuals, we all have our own thoughts and mindset and obviously mine is totally messed up now. People keep telling me I am strong and I just have to grieve it out. But oh, how in earth I could do that when I can’t even face the truth. I should start from that, but I can’t. I seriously prefer die than accept the fact that he is gone. And that’s something no one wants to hear me saying, aloud, so I don’t. But now I do. So after all I just keep hanging on there for others. Not for myself any longer. I should find it, reach the reason to live for. He needed me so much. What there’s left when he is gone? A lot. I know. But still, I feel so empty.

When people see me going through the filming the filming and events I need to join no matter what, they automatically think that I am all good. How foolish the smile can be. I am not good. I am so broken. I am so tired. But I keep going because I find it’s being human being’s responsibility after all. I won’t stop taking care, I won’t stop pushing through. But I am very, very tired.