It’s starting to feel very absurd. The whole life. I suddenly found myself fighting against something much more bigger I was prepared myself to, nor even ready to. I found myself in middle of a crisis. Many times in my life I have thought I have felt tired, but now I need to tell I knew nothing about what being tired actually was. As now I am. I feel so burned out. Mentally and physically and I have no power left even to deny it anymore.

On Friday they made them latest tests including MRI, bowel samples and tons of blood work. I was supposed to meet a doctor on Tuesday afternoon for hearing the results, but I was the unlucky one reached out right away in the morning with some worrying news. And information about they want some more tests, now colonoscopy as well. By now it looks like I am having Chron’s disease, the doctor says, but they want to make sure there is no something else, too. What else? Well, they will take biopsy of my bowel to know more. This all is happening too fast. Colonoscopy has to get done right away, doctor doesn’t want to wait till next week which gives me awful shivers. I have great supporters around and I am most grateful for that, but suddenly I am feeling totally out of my mind because of stress and worry I right now don’t know how to handle anymore.

So I needed to stop. And face it.

What the life is for, actually? What I am living for? I needed to stop. I looked myself into mirror and thought about everything. I found myself crying. Then got up and started over. Why I am feeling this way? Because I am worried. What I am worried about? I am worried about loosing the control, actually.

What if, what if, what if..? I needed to stop myself again. There is no room for “what if” right now, that’s what I needed to accept at first. And then I started over.

I stared myself into mirror for over an hour and just thought about life. My life. For what I have kept living for? For what I have kept working for? And where I am standing at right now? And for what? That was the healthy point for me. The point I felt I actually woke up to think about myself first time for such a long, long time. Emotionally. I have kept coaching and boosting others up for a very long time, but my own needs I had hidden. I had kept fighting with health issues already for over a year, doing neuro-therapy and hospital visits for such a long time without actually working for on feelings, without asking how am I doing, because I have felt I have no time to do that. And now, when it all became such a chaos in my mind with additional burden of one more health issue, I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was time to stop and tell myself I am not feeling well. And it was killing me. The fact is that it’s not in my hands anymore: I am yellow, my liver is sick, my pancreas is sick, I am tired, I am losing weight no matter how much I eat and I have had no energy to exercise for a long time, I am suffering from pain the way my system can’t tolerate it anymore.. The hardest point for me is to say it, to admit it’s not under my control no matter what I do.

As the surgeon told to me few weeks , there is a point for all of us when we can’t keep going anymore. Even if our mind is strong enough, our system starts giving up. And when it happens, the mind will get wounded, too. I didn’t want to believe them, but now I see. I was a stupid one. And I learned my lesson. I will never throw away my feelings anymore, I am going to carry them and face them, and take care of them. And I am going to use them as my superpower. I will get up and kick some bum again, I will go through anything, everything. I will. I will!