When you go through a lot “successfully” which means just surviving alive, in life and people kinda automatically start telling you “you are so strong”. Also “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” they say. Bullshit. Let me tell you. Also I thought that there is no bottom under bottom. And then I was attacked on a street, got beaten up, had a broken eye hole bone and spent some time in a hospital. I got scared. But when I got home something else, even worse happened. And that’s when I dropped through the bottom I thought was the freaking lowest low. It wasn’t. And soon I noticed I was panicking so much I couldn’t stay home anymore. But you know, it’s not a secret I have a panic disorder which comes from my traumatizing past with so much violence, with so much abuse and way too much physical and mental torture. I have no beautiful story, but I don’t mind, I am just a human just all of us. My past is not defining me, but yes, I have scars, so many scars, and from some of them I will never heal from. But still, I do understand, we are all equal.

And then I made my decision and left. I left everything behind just for a couple of days I was thinking, for feeling safety and comfort, for taking care of myself. And then I had the phone call. The call which broke my bottom which should have been a worse already, and I fell down again. I fell through the bottom. And now it feels like I just keep falling and falling and falling with no ending. Without bottom anymore.

I have lost so many people already for suicides. I have lost someone for murder as well, the most close one. I have lost people for sicknesses. I have lost loved ones for many, many different reasons. Sometime I have been there. But never like this, having them on phone and hearing the f*cking gunshot before words “good bye, forever”.

The silence. And suddenly I am living the first moment I can remember of my life, how it started, how it ended. My childhood. The dead. And now there is another one, who had them reason to call just for me right then when they ended their life. My heart is broken. My soul is broken.

Right now I can’t. I am lost. Too much has happened in way too little time. Way too little time. Thank goodness my Moses. He keeps me sane. He keeps me going. But my goodness, never think that there’s a lowest low. There is no. There is falling, like a space and you can only wish that you will hit a black hole as it’s one of the most beautiful place I can imagine. But till that, we gotta keep going. We gotta be strong. And after all, we have to work for equality.