At Tuesday night I read the last bedtime story for my dear darling, the story was Peter Pan. BenBen fell asleep in my arms, but I couldn’t sleep. I felt too sad and terrified about goodbyes next day. As I wrote earlier, BenBen went very week in the evening and he didn’t eat anymore even if I made sweet watermelon bowls for brothers. Luckily he still enjoyed watching his little brother ate with good appetite. This is who BenBen was; he always felt happy for happiness of others, there was no jealous in his little golden heart.

I finally fell asleep at 3am and woke up for BenBen’s cry only an hour later. He felt sick and his stomach was upset, he felt like he had fever. I took him outside and he wanted to stay there close to me. The same happened an hour later again. Outside he was calm and sniffed the air, he took deep breath and watched the rising sun. It was beautiful and warm and I told him the God was given him the most gorgeous day. He put his nose on my cheek and I hold my tears. I kissed his little face and carried him back to bed.

One night changed it all, and made me feel very blessed the Wednesday midday wasn’t so far anymore. Same time I felt horrible, because it meant I should say goodbye for my dearest little baby. I watched my little darling who finally at 6am fell asleep again. And by that I let myself close my eyes, too. I slept a bit. BenBen woke me up with his nose kisses, the happiness and love filled my heart when I saw his face front of mine. I kissed him and noticed he was weak. I told him I love him, and made prepare him some breakfast. I had no idea if he eats any or not, but I wanted to try. I cooked him some chicken and sliced fresh banana with it, his favorite meal. I gave him his medicines and also pill to ease his stomach. It worked quickly. He ate which made me happy, but unfortunately he felt very weak after meal again and needed some rest. I wore Peter Pan pajama for him and cuddled with him in bed. He fell asleep.

I brushed his hair and finished his little bed to take him to crematoria in. His bed was filled with lovely smelling tissue papers, we decided to use the papers Laurie sent her gifts wrapped in, so he could feel all the love around him. We also packed a blanket Kathy had made him last Christmas, and the Peter Pan book.

I took my both kids to swing all together very last time, swinging has always calmed BenBen down. We went outside and not BenBen’s legs carried him anymore, he went weaker hour by hour now. We swung a little and he quickly fell in sleep in my arms. I felt painful we had only an hour left together, but same time I felt relieved for him; that he was able to rest in peace, free from pain, soon.

In car BenBen’s heart started to beat a hard way and he panted a lot even if air conditioning was on and we humans felt even cold. He laid in my arms and watched us with his most loving eyes like saying ‘thank you’. It made me feel like he now understood he could to stop fighting and let go, and it reminded me the of words the vet said earlier last week: “BenBen won’t give up, he keeps fighting, not for himself but for you”. Sia was singing Diamond Heart on background and I started to cry so hard.

“Hello, sweet grief
I know you’ll be the death of me
You’re like the morning after ecstasy
I am drowning in an endless sea

Hello, old friend
Here’s the misery that knows no end
So I’m doing everything I can
To make sure I never love again

I wish that I did not know
Where all broken lovers go
I wish that my heart was made of stone

But if I was stronger
I would love you longer
I wouldn’t let you fall
You wouldn’t tear it apart

I wish I had a diamond heart
Oh oh
I’d give you all my love
If that was unbreakable”

BenBen was sleeping on blanket in my arms and Picasso stayed next to his brother on BenBen’s skin. I read him Peter Pan, and made funny voices as always which made BenBen to make a happy, relaxed sigh. I got the story finished, Peter Pan returned to Neverland, when BenBen took his last breath. Picasso felt it and grabbed his brother with his little fingers. I felt the stab in my chest, another one in my head, then all over my body. Picasso put his nose on his brother’s chest and his eye watered. I cried with him, I cried so hard. My whole body felt freezing cold and burning same time, my soul screamed and mind emptied in a second. The pure pain filled my whole system.

Picasso needed his time to say good bye for his brother, and we gave him all he needed. We gently lifted BenBen in his bed and covered him with colorful tissue papers. Very suddenly I calmed down, heard BenBen’s happy puppy bark in my mind and the life joy he always had with me came into my heart. It was confusing, and I started to cry very hard again. The pain stepped aside, I knew he was all right now, he has met his brothers and friends. It was only sorrow and missing left in me now.

When we got home Picasso started to howl. He has never done it before. He growled and howled, and pushed himself against me. He was broken-hearted. We hugged him and I sang him to calm him down, and after all he did and fell asleep. He slept over an hour in my arms and by that felt better. I have never seen dog grieving like that. I can feel Picasso’s pain. My connection with BenBen was very special, stronger than with anyone ever, which why this sorrow is killing me slowly. The same way the connection between BenBen and Picasso was different, it was very strong. BenBen helped Picasso a lot when he got rescued, and Picasso helped BenBen so much with his recovery. They supported each other and were like real twins even if they had only seven and half months together.

I cried all night long, I couldn’t do anything without crying. The home felt so empty and everything reminded me of BenBen. I brought BenBen’s blanket back home, and I found myself wrapped in his blanket with Picasso. It gave us some comfort.

I lighted a candle for BenBen and let it calm my mind down, I just kept watching it like insane. After all, first time for a long time, I fell asleep without stress and worry. For last 11 months I had stressed so much, because his sleep has changed, he sleepwalked and at times stopped breathing because of sleep apnea. First time for a long time I woke up and felt rested. But waking up without him made me feel stabbing all around my body again.

I feel like zombie with the difference my heart is beating, my brains just don’t work. It will take for a long time to heal, and still I am not sure if I ever will. I still keep saying I prefer carry this pain myself, than let him to have any for me. I love him, oh, I love him so much.