It’s been hard couple of weeks for me, very. I have worked very hard to cope with my feelings and physique, my energy levels have been totally dead and even thinking about the stress levels, oh, let’s not talk about that to avoid this posting becoming like super dark.

However, the fall is here. It arrived pretty fast after all, but the weather is still odd if you ask from me. The summer was so hot, wonderful what comes to the weather I would say, and now temperatures keep popping from down to up as insane way as my heart rate lol. Okay, that’s not actually funny, either or them. My poor heart is under intolerable pressure all the time and poor nature is also suffering from this crazy variation. The good news still is that I am not having a heart failure. I almost want to set a party for that! The sad news instead is that my albumin is going down again very fast and liver and kidneys have not shown signs to get better during testing before connective tissue ultrasound of liver in three weeks. End of this month I will have a massive liver and kidneys testing day before ultrasound and on that week I need to stay in bed and rest. Rehab on whole next week is pretty much cancelled, I only have them mandatory appointments but otherwise they want the stay home and rest. The CT scan of my sinuses will follow the ultrasound on beginning of November, till that I am on steroids which I can tell is not making my feeling better at all – that stuff is terrible so many ways and I am so done with it.

As I said I have worked very hard with my feelings and my physique. What it means physically, it means nothing but resting and taking it easy by doctors orders. Which is not something I handle well. What it means mentally, it has been even harder, it has been such a battle. The nature is very big part of wellbeing, when you are not allowed to go even for a walk, it makes everything harder. The whole mood becomes so heavy and blur. So I have needed to improvise what comes to outdoor. The forest next to us have given us little activity, we even found some berries a week ago which is unbelievable in October. Kinda insane.

My friends have been amazing emotional support, I am loved by very many and what comes to that I am very lucky no matter what. The love is something you can’t measure with anything, not to compare to anything. It’s strongest power on Earth and it makes you to survive for a very, very long time without anything else.

Now I slowly keep going. Keeping focus on environment to soak energy from fall colors. I keep warm by snuggling with my baba and sipping hot tea while knitting. Designing new knitwear have mostly given me happiness what comes to life right now, feeling that I am doing something when I am not able to do anything after hospital, makes me feel happy as I can feel I am creating something new. Writing has been too hard which why I have been off a lot, reading is as hard. I have not been chatting, talking on phone, anything lately, I have been just too tired. So at this point I keep finding some energy to put into my system.

Let’s enjoy of the fall season before winter and snow, it’s almost here I can feel. Can you?